#JanuaryWhole30- Day 18- Leave me the F#$% Alone and Give me that damn fatayer!

The past two days I've been in bitchy mode- keeping to myself, getting angry over little things, wondering what is the point of all of this sacrifice. Today it came to a head, when I had to feign interest at work, and show that I care about a student who clearly only cares about himself.

I couldn't explain it. Why was I so mad? So angry?

My secretary, God bless her, said it out loud: "It's because you're dieting." That's it right there.

And for a moment I was thinking forget all of my progress. Especially when the fresh baked delicacy of cheese fatayer is sitting in the office, waiting for hungry teens at the end of the day. Fatayer is evil. It's the combination of fresh bread, melted cheese, and butter, that no one else can imagine unless you live in the Middle East. Fatayer is good with everything.

And I definitely had that moment where I was about to take just one and decided against it, because I realized that although I am pissed at the world right now, I am starting to feel better again. Is this fatayer so good that I am willing to throw away the last 18 days? It isn't. Not right now. I have important things coming up in my life that this little sidetrack can't knock me off: A trip to Boston with 17 teenagers, my sister's wedding, brunch in Abu Dhabi and hanging out at my new school, Spring Break in Budapest and Vienna, graduation day, going home for summer, etc. It just isn't worth it anymore. Not to say that I won't ever have fatayer again, but instead I will enjoy the moment when it is the right time.

I've been thinking about the difference between this Whole30 and my last one, and it's really much harder the second time around. But when February 3rd comes around, the victory in completing this journey is twice as sweet, and twice as long lasting. That's what I need to remember.

#JanuaryWhole30- Day 13 As long as it's compliant, I don't care

This week I've been a little overwhelmed so haven't had time to journal and express what I have been going through. I have teens who are going to Boston in February for a tournament, and I'm afraid they will get their asses handed to them because they haven't practiced on their own. Or the fact that now that we are all officially leaving our department, that we have to prepare for the end. It's a lot.

However, I've stayed on track, even when I haven't been prepared and opted for coffee and hunger instead of getting off the program. Because really, I just feel better. I do. I have an interesting surge of energy and my singing voice has gotten a bit better as well because I've taken dairy out of the equation.

I've been also eating whatever I want for breakfast. Eggs do not have to represent breakfast, and I am totally ok having a paleo casserole for breakfast, although I do miss my eggs. I will be prepared to have them this week. Also, as I take the time to write this, and waiting for a friend for breakfast, I'm sipping coffee and eating nuts because I can't have the muffins staring at me from the case in the Starbucks.

#JanuaryWhole30- Day 6 and 7-Cheers to the Freakin' Weekend

So there was this moment at breakfast that I must confess.

I frequent this place all the time, and it was my saving grace during my first Whole30 because they cook things properly in olive not vegetable oil. So I was ready: potatoes, omelet with steak and avocado (no cheese), orange juice with sparkling water to stretch it out. Fantastic breakfast, I was amped. My friend and fellow sympathizer ordered the same. Today, we were joined by my other friend and her three year old son, who's definitely a toddler (even more so with the addition of twin brothers over the holiday).

So here is the scary part, when his food came out I almost took his plate. Me. Literally wanting to take food from a kid. What was it? Silver dollar pancakes with Kinder bars and whipped cream. It looked so good and I watched in slow motion how the Kinder bar started to melt on top of the pancake.... I almost lost it.

Eating out is a part of the single life, and breakfast is my go to. But I nearly went off track Friday. I faced the demon and told myself that not only is it awful to steal pancakes from a three year old, it reminded me that when I tried to do the Whole30 in October, I went off after 5 days. I don't want to do that.

It's hard enough to be in a part of the world where you have to say no sugar very implicitly in almost all of your food, but you also don't have as many things available just because culturally those things just aren't available. I confess that I have to make tiny shortcuts based on living in a foreign land, but the truth is that food is good here because for the most part ghee and olive oil are staples.

Weekends are really hard, so I now know that I also have to focus on strict schedules for the weekend to be successful long term. I can do this. I made it through my first weekend. There is no turning back and no stealing of little children's breakfast items. Instead I will much on raw nuts and prepare my meals for the week. A much better plan of action.

#JanuaryWhole30 Day 4-5: Big Ass Chocolate Cake

It's been wonderful seeing some of the former kids come back to visit school. It's a little sad just because my time is almost up at BBS. However, its so good to see that some are really doing well. So well that they show their appreciation by bringing things to school. Like chocolate cake.

Now normally, when we get this cake from this fabulous parent, my co-workers and I just get a fork and dig in. This time, on that day where you are on the cusp of either saying, "Forget this," or "I can do this," the choice to stay away was a hard decision.

The motivating factor for me is to remember how much better I have been feeling these past couple of days. Although I am really tired, I just feel a little better. Plus I have been eating some fabulous homemade meals so my eating has been great. Add to that the fact that I stayed compliant while out, then you have what you hope to be a turning point.

The challenge is now to face the weekend, because normally I lounge on my couch, watch television, and snack. This time I am trying to stay as busy as possible so that I won't desire a slice a cake.

#JanuaryWhole30- Day 2 and 3- But in the Swing

God. The start of school after New Years I think is the toughest start. I didn't even do anything significant, but......

Wait, I got a new job over my break! More details on that later, back to the first couple of days back in school with Whole30.

The great thing about the start of school after Winter Break is that your not back into the routine of your normal hectic life in a big way. It's like a slow rollout of expectations and fulfillments that need to happen. In the counseling office its the slowest time of year, but with my activities, its the busiest. But the past two days have given me a perspective to my planning that I needed, and I have a chance to anticipate my life a little bit before it kicks in. For example, my schedule looks a little like this after school:

Sunday- private sessions until 6:30pm then choir until 9:00pm
Monday-
Tuesday- practice until 5pm
Wednesday- practice until 5pm
Thursday- feeling the need to collapse

My day starts at 4:00am and goes until 9:30-10pm. The beauty of this week is that I have a chance to plan out what i need in snacks and stuff to get through the day.

As far as symptoms are concerned, I was definitely hungry all day and wanted to snack. However, I didn't succumb to that. I am worried for the days when my life is pretty open. That's a scary point in my life and bad things happen when I'm bored. For now, I am using these days to figure out any triggers that may pop up.

I also not feeling as tired as I did the last time I did this program. My headaches aren't so bad either. I think its because I've been drinking a ton of water and that I didn't binge eat before I started. That actually helps!

So the goal by Saturday is to get my routine down in my life so that I don't feel so overwhelmed. Did I mention that I am planning a trip with 17 teenagers to America, during the winter? Another thing I have to add to my planning. But I think I'm ready.

#JanuaryWhole30- Day One: Distractions and Peace

It's the last day of Winter Break and my first day of Whole30. I made plans to do breakfast because its the easiest meal to negotiate while out. However, those plans did not fall into place. So I was alone today, being able to focus on getting food prepped for the week, and getting my head in the game for this month to be successful.

But this morning was indeed a strange start. I padded to my living room to check my cell phone, and there were messages from my ex-boyfriend. We broke up in 2009, talked to each other in 2010, friends on Facebook until 2012 until I deleted him because I started stalking his girlfriend. We talk on occasion and send friendly texts every once in awhile. The conversation- about me needing to be honest about my feelings with a guy that I have been talking to. This led to a serious of texts about me deserving love, and that I was the one who got away, etc, etc, etc. I tried to keep it light and real. Then I said something to him that I was shocked that came from my brain: that I know that I am loved, and that marriage isn't promised for everyone and I am ok with that. Love does not equate marriage.

It sounds a little cynical, but in all reality, I am beginning to love me. I could've stayed with him and where would my life be right now? I can only look forward. No regrets.

Getting back to my first day, it felt like anything new, exciting and wonderful. However with my past experience, today felt a bit wiser mixed in with excitement. I started to think about how I felt last time when I completed this journey, and stuck with it for a few months afterwards. That I didn't really fall off the deep end until much recently. That helped me stayed focus on the prep and getting my meals together.

Cooking is truly my happiness, and slow roasting a smuggled pork belly was a rich reward. Served on top of my butternut squash soup was a bit of just happiness. I had like three bowls because it was so good!!!! Home cooked meals are truly the most amazing thing.

Today I could've been distracted but instead it became about the renewed focus of loving the person I am to be. 

The year of completion and my #JanuaryWhole30- Day 0

I'm starting this post with a little something unorthodox for me- numerology. I am a Christian, but I do love learning about the parallels of different points of view of one's outlook in the coming year. It's a human reaction to want to predict the future or to see what it may hold. But often times in looking towards the future, we get a little too eager to want it to happen right away. This is true of making changes, and also of Macbeth.

Anyway, back to numerology and the year 2016. According to the Astrology Club online, 2016 is equal to the number 9 (2+0+1+6), and this year symbolizes, "completion, rest, and forgiveness." This statement poses a personal question for me: What do I need to complete, where do I need to seek rest, and who do I need to forgive and move forward? Most importantly, what does this have to do with making changes in ones life?

So every month, I will do a thing I need to complete, seek rest in where I need to, and forgive or ask forgiveness from those I care about most in my life. For now the completion goal of January is to complete a Whole30. I did it once before in April 2015, and the weight loss aside, I felt like a new person inside and out. I did well after the 30 days was completed but took a turn in October, and got in to an accident of binge eating around late October/November, with a winter blues spiral in December. But here I am, in January along with everyone else, determined to finish my second Whole30. So that's my completion goal.

For the rest part, I need to rest in God's hands. He's blessed me with some exciting things on the horizon, but I need to rest and know that everything will work out accordingly at work and with my family. So I guess that is my rest goal.

In regards to forgiveness, this month I am working on forgiving myself of all the stupid stuff I put myself through. Mainly because I have low self-esteem and have always battled with a little of sadness/depression. However, I throw myself into my work because those things are where I can not think about myself and really think about everyone else. But if I am to complete my Whole30 and find rest in God, I need to learn to love myself enough to say, "Christina, I'm sorry for what I put you through. Please forgive me." 

For the next 30 days I will try to blog about my journey regarding Whole30, but also the various steps I am making to find rest, and to seek forgiveness. Inshallah, everything will work according to God's will.